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HOW TO LIVE FOR A LONG TIME. It is very, very important that if you wish to live for a long time you must select parents or grandparents who have also lived for a long time. The 30,000 people in America who are over the age of 100- all have one thing in common; parents or grandparents who also lived for a long time. Other factors such as race, lifestyle and habits vary. If you have not of course been smart enough to select the appropriate ancestors and you still wish to live for a long time, you must of course embark on a different route. This will involve, looking after yourself, not drinking, drugging, involving yourself in unhealthy relationships, no late nights, no smoking, eating only healthy stuff and the big one regular exercise. All this will help you with your longevity programme and if it does not, do not worry because even if you do not live for a long time, living like this will of course make it seem like you have been living for a really long time. Either way you win. A student once asked me - "if rocks are full of water and minerals and people are full of water and mineral too, why are people alive and rocks are dead?" My reply- " I am genuinely flattered Jason that you think I actually know the answer to that question. Thank you. "  |
FALLING APART As you grow older you will of course notice a strange phenomenon called falling apart. There are a number of strategies to cope with this. 1. Deny it and dress yourself in really young fashionable clothes and exercise and look after yourself. 2. Deny it and do not do anything. 3. Plastic surgery and hip and knee replacements. 4. Enjoy the opportunity and live by the motto of the motorcycle group grow old disgracefully. 5. Stand further back from the mirror when you look at yourself. About a metre for each decade should do the trick. Avoid looking at yourself in bright lights and invest in a few dimming switches around your home. Money well spent. 6. Enjoy the fact that nobody notices you anymore and do a few things that will get you noticed that you would never have dreamed of doing when you were young and had your image to worry about and the odd person did notice you. 7. Take solace in the fact that if you went to Woolworths in your slippers no-one would notice or even comment on this lack of taste. Obviously if you wish to get some attention you will have to do something far more outrageous than this. Spend some time thinking about what you can do rather than thinking about which of your joints is slowing being attacked by arthritis. 8. Use your will and your inheritance plan to play games with your family and amuse yourself so you are distracted from the fact you are falling apart. 9. Use a lot more painkillers and medications. Make full use of your seniors card to do this, otherwise it is just wasted and young people carrying on about your use of the medical system will not be wasting their time. 10. Up your alcohol uptake. |
| GLOSSARY OF
TERMS * Alcoholic- some one who drinks as much as you do that you do not like. * Bastard- some one who does the nasty stuff you do but has actually had the hide to do it to you. * Country town- where your business is everybody else's and people still actually talk to you on the street. * Drug addict- some-one who abuses a chemical other than the one you abuse. * Eccentric- weirdo with money. Weirdos who are poor are just weirdos. * Fruit cake- a nutter or a cake with fruit and nuts in it. * God- you will have to work that one out for yourself. * Hell- a place you end up in if you are naughty when you are alive. If unlucky will experience a taste of it before you go. * Immigrant - someone who got off a boat and came to Australia after you did. * Junkie- a person who uses drugs that are expensive, they make movies about and who uses them on the street. Using perscription medication like valium in your own home does not make you a junkie everyone knows that so do not worry. It is unlikely that a remake of the French Connection will have some-one abusing anything a chemist can legally hand out. Do not start worrying or fretting or you will need to increase the dose. * Kinky- weird sexual stuff other perverts get up to, your activities are perfectly normal. Nobody of course does anything kinky it is just to sell movies. * Love- a transitory madness that marriage and a few kids cures. Your second divorce will of course cure you forever. * Madness- weird behaviour that is not like your weird behaviour. * Neolithic- football after the grand final parties. *Original- unlikely to every happen. continued on the other side of the page................................. |
* Pervert- some one who does
stuff you only dream about doing, watch on movies, find on the internet
or discuss at length with other normal nice people. * Quickie- activity done quickly. * Ratbag- see mad bastards. * Slut- anyone sleeping with your partner or husband. * Tart- anyone who is sleeping with your partner or husband that wears a lot of make-up especially red lipstick and wears very short skirts, Sluts can dress anyway they like including terry towelling track suits or designer clothes. The tart outfit is much more specified. * Underwear- purposes are many and varied. Comfort, stops your more expensive stuff getting covered with yucky stuff, warmth, strutting your stuff, holding in stuff or propping stuff up for ease of viewing. Stuff your Mum told you had to be clean in case you got run over. As a kid of course you did not question how clean it would be when you had been run over by a large truck and the unlikely scenario of a nurse or doctor refusing to treat you at a hospital because your undies were scruffy or even that when in agonising pain you would actually care if anyone commented on the state of your undies. That sort of blinding realisation only occurs to you later on in life. * Valium- a life enhancing drug whose affects are unfortunately short lived and end in a couple of weeks are being replaced by paranoia. * Wednesday- the middle of the week or the daughter with the plaits in the Addams Family. * X- always a bit difficult this letter. * Youth - stuff that is wasted on young people. They just do not appreciate it. * Zoo- places where animals are kept so people can see them, In the old days right on view, now environmentally friendly places which means most of the animals cannot be seen because they are actually hiding in situations like their real homes for most of the day and night. Might as well go looking in their natural habitats or watch national geographic where other people have devoted years waiting for the right moment. |