THE GREAT OUTDOORS.
ADVENTURING- Basically I think the great out doors is somewhat overrated, especially since National Geographic on Austar can take you to the world's most inhospitable, mosquito ridden places while you recline in a chair, beverage of your choice in one hand, whatever in the other.
I try to avoid the outdoor programmes where some ego driven fool is trying to convince us he is "conquering inhospitable, mosquito ridden places, subduing wild and dangerous creatures and we should thank our lucky stars for the privilege of watching his muscles ripple while wrestling a king cobra,( that we all secretly know has been drugged earlier on by a dope smoking member of the camera crew.) If you are suitably subdued by the chemical of your choice, these people can sometimes provide a few laughs, myself I am never that drunk.( I have it on good authority, however, that our Steve away from the camera was a really good bloke.)
Whilst some people appear to be impressed, watching some idiot attempting to sail single handed around the planet (while accompanied by seven Navy frigates and the World Press) I always tend to think "not another bloody wanker, that the tax payer will have to rescue" although my brother Ray says " no harm done, gives the Navy some valuable rescue opportunities that they might not otherwise have had." He is of course correct because the Navy might need to rescue some-one one day who is actually doing something useful, like working on a ship carrying coal.
CAMPING- I had never actually been camping; when I was a kid Mum always said "why would anyone want to do that?" and my friend D, said she went camping with some bloke once and all he did was fart in the sleeping bag and if that wasn't enough she had a moment of horror when she discovered the loo block didn't have anywhere to plug in the hair dryer and she had to ask him to drive her home to her flat in some posh suburb North of the harbour bridge, for a lie down and a cup of tea. As I have always loved and respected these two women, if they said "camping sucks" that was good enough for me.
However, on the journey through life "Some-one"( I was never sure if it was God or some bloke from Staffing acting as his agent), must have felt that this would be a worth while experience, so they sent me to a school in outback Australia, where I met D, N and B. Having a blonde, stunning, large bosomed friend like N was always wonderful because lots of blokes always asked her out and she always said "Can Deb come too? and they always said "Yeah sure, I'll bring a mate."
Scene one- Location- (one of the 85 licensed locations in Broken Hill where alcohol could be procured- One fateful Friday afternoon D said "do want to come fishing?" B, choking on his beer said " "Are you sure you know what you are doing D? We have never taken women fishing with us before." "It will be alright". "Yeah sure, but only if Deb can come too." "Yeah, B's me mate and he always comes anyway."
Scene two- Location - Banks of the Darling River- When we arrived at the fishing spot, D said "Did you bring the food?" I said "No, I thought we were in charge of alcohol." B said " Must have misunderstood, no harm done. D can slip into town some time next week, if anyone gets hungry."
Scene Three- Location - Year 9 English class. "Sir, can I ask you a personal question?" "No, you can't Jason" "Did you go camping on the week-end, Sir? "No, Jason I did not" "My brother said you did." "Well, I must have then." "That's right, Sir" after a five second pause "Why would women go camping with you, Sir?" "Why wouldn't they, Jason?" "Cause you wear 70's jumpers and the sleeves are stretched at the end" "And that excludes you from Love, does it Jason?" "I would have thought so, Sir".
WHAT'S IN A NAME- dick smith- says it all really. Why would you advertise that from a hot air balloon? I would, at the very least, change it to Richard, but then again maybe he is a dick.
I once found an amazing creature on a beach, and because I was young, enthusiastic and lets be frank, really uncool, I looked it up in an encyclopedia ( pre Google, pre anything really, even pre large Amstrad portable computers the size of dining room tables) and discovered it was a Glaucus. This was very useful, because 37 years later an exceptionally clever student found a picture of a sea creature and he asked me what it was, I said " it's a Glaucus" and he said "you're kidding me miss, aren't you? and I said, "No Jason, I have done extensive research into this three and a half decades ago just so I was prepared for this moment in time." He said, "Now I know you are making this up." I kid you not.
THIS IS A GLAUCUS, IF ANYONE EVER ASKS.