| LAWYERS The oldest profession in the world (after prostitution). FAVOURITE LAWYER FILM. Mr Bean does a sketch where he plays the Devil at the Gates of Hell. To the ATHEISTS "well I bet you are all a bit surprised" and then to the lawyers "I knew there would be a lot of you but heavens I wasn't expecting this many." FAVOURITE LAWYER JOKES. *How do you know if the crash on the M5 was an attempt to stop from hitting a lawyer or a snake? If it was a snake there will be skid marks on the road because some-one attempted to stop. *What is the difference between a rat and a lawyer? There are some things even a rat wont do. Responding TO YOUR FORMER PARTNER'S LAWYER. 1. Email them as many times a day as you think you can get away with before they are likely to slap a harassment or stalking order on you. 2. Suitable thinks to put in the emails include; " I really don't understand what you sent me, I just want the kids and the money. If you have no children. "I just want the money" will be fine. 3. You can send them a wave file of the song. Just give me money that's what I want. IF YOU ARE ARE RECEIVING CORRESPONDENCE WITH REGARDS TO DEFAMATION; ( a fancy legal term for saying nasty stuff about other people regardless of whether it is true or not, or it could be slander I can't remember or slander might be about verbal stuff, anyway, best ask an expert)- Go to a website called "just like facebook only we charge" and David will give you some super hints about dealing with this area of the law. |
What to do with all the stuff
a lawyer sends you. * After you have opened the envelope and counted the 365 pages covering the fact your lease does not allow you to have a budgerigar in your flat, simply put the 365 pages next to the cage and you have a years supply of cage liners. This combined with the added satisfaction of watching your budgie poo on the paper thus confirming your own view that your pet also believes what you have received is only worth crapping on. You will also get a warm glow, knowing that you have disposed of this paper in a sound and environmentally friendly way. HOW TO DEAL WITH LAWYERS WHO SPECIALISE IN FAMILY LAW COURT MATTERS. 1. Just remember that if your ex's lawyer had any real brains they would be doing corporate law because that is where the real money is. You are probably dealing with some-one who mistakenly believed family law would be all cosy and warm, that is until they got their first death threat. Or they found Property Law just too complicated. Only family law court lawyers and criminal lawyers get death threats because everyone else realises it is just about the money. 2. Criminal lawyers of course are very clever, they have to be because if they do not get their clients off they don't pay them. They are normally motivated to emulate the lawyers they saw on television as a kid, or have large egos and cut a fine figure in an Armani suit at Trial or are really clever and just love money.  No matter what type of lawyer you are dealing with they all love words and have a very,very high opinion of themselves.(despite in some cases considerable anecdotal and circumstantial evidence to the contrary.) |
HOW TO RESPOND TO A LAWYER. If you are basically bone idle or very busy doing other interesting things with your life JUST SIMPLY IGNORE THEM. If however you are bored you can simply send back anything that actually crosses your mind at the time. A recipe for lemon meringue pie will keep them guessing and it may convince them you are mad and they will leave you alone for a while. If after you have practiced all the techniques you learned at the anger management course, for years and you are still angry, simply vent all your anger, including the time some bully pushed you into the frog pond at school in kindergarten and work your way through your life. If the matter ever comes to court you can simply say "I loved that budgie and it was simply the final straw." If you choose to send offensive texts to both your ex and their lawyer, they may bring all these up in court. However, a small moment of embarrassment which no-one will remember in ten minutes time, is a very small price to pay if you get to keep the kids and the house. Make sure that none of your texts include anything other than you love your kids. Even the Hell Angels have a rule "never touch kids." Your ex is of course fair game because under the law you do not owe your spouse a duty of care, but believe me you owe the kids.  NEVER EVER HOWEVER FRONT TO COURT WITHOUT A LAWYER because a Judge might think you are an arrogant smart mouth who thinks he knows more about the law than he does, much better that he thinks this about your lawyer while you sit quietly and respectfully in your seat AND NEVER EVER OFFEND A JUDGE BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE HAVE REAL POWER. |