INTERNET
DATING  "A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores." — Terry Pratchett (The Fifth Elephant) "Nanny Ogg looked under her bed in case there was a man there. Well, you never knew your luck." — Terry Pratchett (Lords and Ladies) |
HELPFUL HINTS WHEN ADVERTISING
THAT YOU ARE AVAILABLE ON A DATING SITE. 1. Use a photo of yourself where you are at least ten years younger than you really are, or if you are really unattractive use some-one else's photo, you never know -when the person replying to your add sees you in real life your wonderful personality might win them over. You will need to explain that lying is not your usual behaviour, it was just a one off, like you are not a vain person and it was the only photo you had.( your Mother took it) This type of response should do the trick. 2. Make sure if you get a reply that you have your answers ready for eg. what happened to your ex wife- "she was mad and didn't understand me" is an old faithful that should fool at least some-one(well at least long enough for you to get a bit) or even better "she did understand me and I am really sorry about my behaviour" a bit more original and the person listening might think you are honest, or at least honest about the fact you cheat and lets be frank you are sorry how much the bitch got once the lawyers have been through your accounts. 3. With regards your children- they are of course great kids, who are financially independent with good jobs and they have always lived with their mother- that's what everyone wanted. Do not mention your son doing time ( under any circumstances). Your ex never rings or asks for money for the kids she is an independent woman with a new husband who you like and most importantly your kids like him and that's all that matters (that one goes over really well.) In reality, of course, every time you see the prick you could kill him because your kids actually prefer him to you. He uses all the dirty tricks in the book, like actually going to soccer games to watch them and showing a genuine interest. You always knew he was a conniving bastard. 4. Your home - is yours. you have a mortgage but it is well within your means. The rumours that the property belongs to your ex's wealthy parents are just not true. 5. Your health- no need to mention herpes, type 1 diabetes and your dietary needs- boring no-one needs to hear this shit. 6. You have a large smelly old dog but if they don't like the dog he will just have to go. This one is not easy to pull off because you know deep in your heart that if your dog does not like this person their days as your companion will be over and your real mate Rover will be back on the lounge sharing the quiet times at home. 7. You have never owned a cat, you hate cats. If your next victim is of course a cat person you of course love them ( and so does your dog, no need to mention the fact he loves cats when he has them on the run or cornered against a fence). 8. Yes, you did have a drug problem when you were a wild silly teenager but the Methadone programme sorted that out. ( and still does although probably best not to mention your daily trips to the chemist). Now you just limit yourself to the odd weekend of binge drinking, you have been drinking three bottles of Bourbon every weekend for years and it hasn't affected you - except for the frontal lobes and I mean seriously who needs them and nothing that a frontal lobotomy would not tidy up if the need arose. and the odd cone.(or two). 9. You are available at all times except during the week-end binge drinking, access days to your children from your previous three partners, when at work, visiting your elderly alcoholic mother, helping mates and mowing the lawn. 10. The woman you currently live with is just "my landlady who comes over every night to see that I am okay and if I need any favours". The rumours that I am exchanging sex and lawn mowing for rent are just not true. If they do not believe the landlady story try any of the following, my sister, my Mother's elderly aunt, a friend from school, my wife but we separated a long time ago and are just living under the same roof because she can't afford to rent a place of her own and I can hardly throw my own kids on the street can I? can I ????????? |
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| A couple of my friends saw their
ex husbands on a dating site and they said they were really sorry they
had divorced them- apparently they are great blokes, looking at least
ten years younger since they last saw them, fit and working at the gym
on their abs. Willing to be faithful to the one woman they know they can love. In all fairness, one said, "he was faithful till the end of the reception and everyone knows my bridesmaid likes a bit, just can't help herself. It meant nothing to him he told me." What it really means- handsome= I think highly of myself and I believe you will too.. financially independent = child support payments are finished it's just the university fees now, the twenty first birthdays, the wedding receptions, the help with the deposit on the houses, or a bond for the flats, a bit of furniture and the grandkids education and food. solvent= I have written off my debts and will be able to borrow money once the bankruptcy thing finishes in about five years. great sense of humour = I laugh at my own jokes. fit = I went to the gym once with my mate. quiet times at home= you cook tea while I watch TV ( hopefully you do not speak during this time and do not clang dishes loudly). |
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